Numbness

In the creepy silence
Near a deserted ravine; from long
A bud , I saw
Was about to bloom
And I named it my “Faith”

“Roses or Blood”
Oh! Both are red
Faith – The candle that glows longest
But even then , it’s a candle
Burns out, one day

Yes, I can see the smoke coming now
above the shimmering glow
Should I ask “Can you?”
or should I say “Will you”, I donno

Just to say
“Please don’t come”
You might get hurt
I am not on those smooth roads anymore
roads of love, i've heard 'em saying

That very last scene, the endings

That evening, the sun I know, will set little early
The breaths are less, I guess few seconds are left;
I loved god, because someone was with me
Today I hate him, because he will break her heart

The strongest one, I met few years back,
The pillar which rose me up;
I know is silent in these seconds too
I know, was proud that I was high

Hah, God came,said “nine seconds left lad”
Just nine seconds to recall the last nine months
Donno, which month to recall first; Didn’t had that much time you see
So I recalled the last month first; The day I died. Ah! actually killed myself

Last came the month we met, unknowingly, silent
But the sweetest dream of me
You know what, I saved a whole second by then
My love knew it’s the last second of me…

This second, last when I’ll see her face
The second that will shatter all her beliefs
That “Love lasts forever, that it never dies ”
Time takes it all away, now who will teach her this after me ??

Its hard for me to smile now, harder for her to be quiet
I know for the first time she is filled with hatred
The god, the luck, or the hope;
She called it for long

Wall, that will be mended, forever between her world and my world
The world we shared, is not mine now;
What will she do of it, even she donno, nor do I
In one life, we cared of world, the world that neither of us belonged to

I am not sad because I am dying, everyone dies one day
I am sad because I killed her;
Out of hope, out of god, out of luck and out of love
I hate myself because I left first, I died first

Gods’ triumph over me

One god took nine months to give me breathe
Another god came and took just a couple to take my breaths away;
Who is better, Who worked better??
But both had pains; And I too cried both times

I forgot to love my present; And the present forgot me

Before, I learnt to live in present;

The present just went by, quietly;

The numbness of the future came

It had to come eventually, one day...

Now I sit back and remember my past

The past that had to be lovely, I guess,

I loved in it

Just to make sure time is not going unnoticed...

Dont give them the name of poems, sad verses, thoughts or any other thing you read here...
They r there just because they wanted to come out of me, to free themselves and the breath alone on their own,
I do still have a relation with them. All of them. How can one have no relation with his soul.
Yes, its my soul this time you are reading, that just peeped out from an old dungeon... dont worry, it has seem a lot of dark things, so values light more than u... here it goes....

These are about my mom's womb.. yups me inside...

** Dark but I don't fear, thr is no time bound, no worries
** No air to breath, I don't need it, i don't cry here, eyes not came yet
** Little wet touches I feel on new skin, little noises I hear now and then
** My little random moves, all uncouth "I donno" y..
** This is the only real "I donno" because the worldly thinking not learned yet

** यहाँ काफ़ी दबा हूँ , पर दम नही घुट रहा , नही चाहता बाहर आना ; आज़ादी मे पता है , दम घुटेगा
** काफ़ी अँधेरा भी है यहाँ , पर डर नही लगता , सो कोशिश भी नही करता बाहर आने की। किसे पता उजाला ही डरा दे । सुना है वहाँ रौशनी ज्यादा होती है , मुझे तो खुशी चाहिए , रौशनी नही ।

---------------------------------------

Sry I haven't written it, kaash likhi hoti

Kahin to.. kahin to
Hogi wo,
Duniya jahan tu mere saath hai..

Jahan mein, jahan tu,
Aur jahan, bass tere mere jazbaat hai,
Hogi jahan subah teri,
Palko ki, kirano mein,
Lori jahan chand ki,
Sune teri baahoin mein..

(Jaane naa kahan wo duniya hai,
Jaane naa wo hai bhi ya nahi,
Jahan meri zindagi mujhse,
Itni khafa nahi..) - 2

Saasein kho gayi hai kiski aahon mein,
Mein kho gayi hu jaane kiski baahon mein,
Manzilon se raahein doodhti chali,
Kho gayi hai manzil kahin rahon mein..

Kahin to, kahin to,
Hai nasha..
Teri meri har mulaqaat mein,
Hoton se, hoton ko,
Chumti, o rehte hai hum har baat pe,
Kehti hai fiza jahan,
Teri zamin aasmaan..

Jahan hai tu, meri hassi,
Meri khushi, meri jaan…

(Jaane naa kahan wo duniya hai,
Jaane naa wo hai bhi ya nahi,
Jahan meri zindagi mujhse,
Itni khafa nahi..) - 3

Epilogue

While in the last seconds, I remember those 3 sequels, long woven by me will change. The past, the present and the future.
Those last seconds reminds that there is no future anymore. Its just the past; I thought was lost long before, will speak for me.

Silence before I walked in, silence once again after I'll walk out...
So my story ends, and a poem takes birth...

Lets begin again...Could I or should I ??

Not at all the day was silent but me

those green screens, that scented corridor

From where I passed a week before, or two may be

checking my watch; it was my office time

Unknown I went straight, Dr. Roger, my old school mate

Checked my pulse, the heart and eyes

I said “Beating as ever”, and giggled

never knew, that my smiles too, someone was counting

Life changed that day, nah, it’s not life any more

from that day on, I am lying on this bed,

Looking at the dotted sky, birds flying like my thoughts,

hearing those birds, meeting those whom I longed to meet

Two weeks passed, met many old and new

today, no one here but she; the loveliest I knew

I never spoke of pain even to the closest of my pals

today its hard time to keep calm, warm breaths when keep sinking low

Senses; now I started loosing ‘em all

that chirp going silent; light, slowly fading

Nerves loosing their hold over skin

skin, that too getting colder now I guess

“You will get well” few of the words I heard from her

I saw her last time, I guess to see her looking at me; and that is love

To keep her memories forever; forever though going to end soon

Alas, the last breath came out, it’s little longer than the rest…

Silence crept in. silence of death, no different than any other who died. Only difference is that I lt it just once, wont say in my life time, but yaa, at the time to leave behind the smallest thing I ever won.

The time when money ends, friendship ends, relationships break and yes, love too parts away. Love, the word that kept me wondering for long in this life.

Just for pleasing me, I babbled “Will surely meet you again, in some other world” be it a snow flake in your hand, or a fallen winter leaf when you walk along in your garden. Wont’ be able to live long in that world too, but will hope that those moments will come again and again.

I will dream again of you, as snow or as a dried leaf, the day when I’ll come back. Again a snow will fall in love with those light brown eyes; a sunken dry leaf will again see you that day, hoping somethings will still be left to share.

Do feel it that time please… at least for a few moments more…a few moments early

Do hold me that day, the way I held you few years back… You remember right!!!

Long live the beating hearts

Long live thy blooming flowers

Long live the candles’ flame

Long live love; well that’s the game…

Shaded Love, Rusted roots

Walking adrift by a silent street,

crushing roadside leaves, that came

Thought how different we are from trees

they all silent, but we have that flame

Just that very moment, I crossed a graveyard

seemed like its silence, was screaming to be heard

I stopped and went inside, on the way I saw

an old grave, a verdant tree and a singing cuckoo bird

That stone on that grave, unsoiled by the wind

I went near to read the stone

“Mary 1917- 1955” etched on the top

and indeed the majestic tree where the sun shone

That tree was huge, giving shade to Mary

as if Jesus, to his resting mother

He shakes himself, to fly away the birds

so that she sleeps, and no one to bother

Unseen, unnatural was that love I saw

the loyalty of a son, for his mother below

One on which he grew so tall

who nurtured him, from a seed so small

Next day, I went past that yard

Thought to see again, what love really is

Went inside, but now was numbed

The officials cut that tree or killed it, last night

The one, succumbed to the killers

Mary is alone now, almost like me

I thought “How different I am from her?”

Stoic, we both were, but I moved

I knew, I was dead already…

The Killers and their demonic symphony

Saw a child crying, searching for the eyes

Who once, loved her, prayed for her life

Crying on a pavement, watching a mob

Big red eyes, hers with cries, others with fury

The scream, waiting to be heard

Some wait to be heard for ever

They don’t go quite, they go damped

Dry are their dreams, drier are the hopes

They say He will come, one day

So what! Sun indeed never sets forever

They say He will come, cure us all

So what! Pain indeed cures its ownself

Part II

Those eyes, half closed, moist

A drop inside,

Ready to form a pearl, the purest of all

Ready to roll down, on those

Snow-white cheeks

Those drops were there, I know

Strong held from long time, infinite time I guess

But had to come out,

When gods cry, why cant she...

The little girl, still searching for life

Still searching Him, for help

"He was crying", she looked

Sobbing kid, almost silent with the lost girlishness

Looking at the mob, He sat with the girl

A bad time for Him, or for her…

My creator; or my sufferer

I burnt, but then I shone

I got an idea once,

Weird though, but seemed new

I went to myself- that untouched one

and brought four candles

Lit them all, quite bright they shone

Picked the first, was called “sorrow”, I read

Wondered why it was shining brightest

Ah! Was about to finish,

Those who shine bright, always fade soon

Then came the candle called “love”

Beautiful, gracious like a seraph, of dreams

White, like a morning cloud in sky

But like sorrow, it too bid goodbye

Third seemed firm than rest of all, “friendship”

Pink, the color, I remember it had

Lasted for long, seemed with me from ages

Nightmare alive, when I saw, it too went off

The last one, now very dim, gone almost; was my “faith”

was kept in middle of others

centered, as if for help, I picked it up and blew it off

Its all dark now..

who sees any ways—You laugh, You cry and then You die

Dying to live, living to die

There goes the love
bathing in the gloomy darkness
Its dark inside
darker than tonight's 'blackout'
Bodies everywhere, some died, some ripped
while others, waiting for one

Its not the death of the few hundreds
but of the millions, who were watching
A way when the hearts stop beating
of those who died, of those who killed

Lying on the street
waiting for my final terminous
Just a thought went across my senses
senses; though numb now, almost lost

"Is it what I longed for??"
I thought I know the answer
answer surely was "No", I thought
Alas, I was wrong or proved wrong

Time flew faster

--Its most “intresting” to wait for the one when you know
The one for whom you are waiting wont ever return back

--It hurts when your love goes away, but seems a PJ when
Someone says that your love won’t ever come back

--Its different, seems new to loose someone in this life
But makes stronger as you never loose anyone again

--It’s rare to love sum1 and get it back in return
So is the other way round

--Friends applaud, seems the show is over now
But when is the next one? I’m waiting

--Difficult, to love someone whom you hate
Impossible to hate the one you ever loved

--Waiting from tat very second you haven’t looked back
Not grown a single second, waiting in tat second only

Mistitle Beauty

“Some one teaches you the meaning of frenship & goes away
And you wait forever for the day of her return
To learn the way how to live without ‘em
And a day comes saying aloud
“She Can’t come back”
Today also my best moments I spend are with you
Fact been I don’t call ‘em Dreams any more…

Chanting hushes

I was there last twilight, till my silent moon came
Set beside my and asked
“For whom are you waiting Raj”?
Candid, but for me rather sad sign,
“How could it be other than you!!” I said

Only this and a few silent moments to fill that night
The sun came next day and I, just walked away
I remember I looked back once, just to give a smile
That’s it, that’s all
I remember someone was sitting there, that last time I looked back
She was there still…

Day when I Dreamt

“I died one day”
Everything stopped, seemed too weak
Nature around was cold, colder than myself
God today was silent, no psalms, no intones, everything too meek

And yes, a party, with me numb; someone called that day
My hopes, my dreams, my future; all went astray
From that day on, there was no future for me
All had tomorrow, with me nothing left to see

I tried to wake myself up, to do little more
Even when I knew, I did everything for sure
Money was there, my family I love
But still wanted to do little anew, big dreams to serve

“Many die daily”
Die off their wealth, love or health
The worst are those I remember I knew
Are those who die off their Dreams

Chirping was that bird’s dream
Aroma dreamt by that flower
Shining in dark once dreamt by my moon
Indeed living means dreams, nothing unknown, afar

And Pretenses Followed

I was there last twilight, till my silent moon came
Set beside my and asked
“For whom are you waiting Raj”?
Candid, but for me rather a sad statement,
“how could it be other than you !!” I said
Just this much and a few silent moments to fill that night

The sun came next day and I just walked away
I remember I looked back once, just to give a smile
That’s it, that’s all
I remember someone was sitting there, the last time I looked back
I believe in no one and no one believes in me...
So there was my no one sitting, believing in both of us